write or flight

I have anxiety.  It feels like there are a million thoughts desperately trying to cram their way into my mind and I can’t help but intently ponder each and every one.  My brain functions like the arrival and departure boards at airports.  Every flight status update is a thought appearing in my head then quickly disappearing to be immediately replaced by a new introspection.  My anxiety feels as if I am constantly trying to organize my life into a methodical planner but I am writing in invisible ink so no matter how hard I try, my life is in constant disorganized chaos. I don’t realize that I am constantly scraping my thumb nail against the skin of my ring finger or that I never cease shaking my foot up and down like it is the only thing keeping me afloat in an ocean of nervous thoughts.  I am popping my knuckles every chance I can as if the secret of a life without all these worries is somehow hidden in the morse code projecting from each crack of my joints....

I want to be with you forever, I will always love you, no matter what you do, We are in this together, Don’t worry my dear, my love is true, LIAR. I want peace and quiet, You get offended too easily, She knows when to shut up, you should try it, Take a joke, Get over it, seriously, ABUSE. He doesn’t realize what he said, He didn’t mean it, God, I wish I was dead, I’m being so childish, throwing a fit, He was just teasing, I should just forget about it, NIAVE. We’re done, This was all a big mistake, I’m sorry but you just aren’t the one, It’s not you it’s me, I’ve had all I can take, It’s for the best you’ll see, ABANDONED. Please don’t do this, Give me another try, Just one last kiss, All I can do is cry, You said you wouldn’t leave, How stupid was I, I made myself believe, Now I wish to die, THE END.  

I'd still love you, If it seemed to be one sided, If you forgot about me, If everyone told me I was better off. I'd still love you, If the world stopped spinning, If my life was falling apart, If I was falling apart. My darling, I'd still love you, If I never again could kiss your cheek, If I never again could hold you close, If you no longer wanted me to. I'd still love you, If you loved another, If you wanted them more than me, If you didn't love me and you didn't care to, I'd still love you.

I don't say this out of habit, Or as an easy conversation filler, I don't say it just to tell you what you want to hear, They are not words I just throw around like confetti, I say these 3 meaningful words because they are as close as I can come to describing how I feel about you, I say them to put to words the feeling I have when I know I get to see you, Or the way my ears perk up at the sound of your name, These words can't even come close to describing how much I care for you, But I suppose it will have to do, So until my brain is able to find a better way to explain all these feelings I have, I will simply say "I love you."