Anxiety

I have anxiety.  It feels like there are a million thoughts desperately trying to cram their way into my mind and I can’t help but intently ponder each and every one.  My brain functions like the arrival and departure boards at airports.  Every flight status update is a thought appearing in my head then quickly disappearing to be immediately replaced by a new introspection.  My anxiety feels as if I am constantly trying to organize my life into a methodical planner but I am writing in invisible ink so no matter how hard I try, my life is in constant disorganized chaos.

I don’t realize that I am constantly scraping my thumb nail against the skin of my ring finger or that I never cease shaking my foot up and down like it is the only thing keeping me afloat in an ocean of nervous thoughts.  I am popping my knuckles every chance I can as if the secret of a life without all these worries is somehow hidden in the morse code projecting from each crack of my joints.  

With my anxiety comes symptoms.  The most frustrating of which is the nights of tossing and turning checking the clock every minute, praying in desperation for the activeness of my mind to calm so I can get just a few minutes of satisfying shut eye.  The worst part is knowing that when I go to school in the morning people are expecting a bubbly ray of sunshine, so I paint on concealer to cover up the dark blue and black circles under each of my eyes marking my night of sleeplessness.

Some days are better than others.  Some hours feel like days, some days feel like weeks, and some weeks feel like an eternity, but sometimes I can almost forget.  Forget that inside of my head there is a swirling twister of thoughts ready to pick me up and take me to the Land of Oz to fight the wicked witch of the worried.  Forget that when I go home before I go to bed, my mom will remind me to take the pill that helps me fall into a chemically induced sleeping paradise.  Oh those blissful days of amnesiac tranquility.

I have anxiety, but I am thankful.  Although it may make some days seem as bitter as a glass of tonic water, it causes the good days to taste that much sweeter.  Before my anxiety started to show itself in my life I couldn’t see how fortunate I was, but now that it has decided to come out of hiding I realize how blessed those worryless years were.  My anxiety helps me remember that every peaceful day, or hour, or moment that I experience is a godsend.  I am grateful for my anxious mind because without it I would not be able to fully experience the joy of the good days.